My Stupid Jokes

Two muffins were sitting in the oven

One turns to the other and says, “Wow it’s hot in here!”

The other muffins says, “Woah! A talking muffin!!!”

A man walks into the barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions about having a problem with close shaving around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber. The barber reaches into his drawer and pulls out a small wooden ball. “Just place this thing between your cheeks and your gums.” Then the barber gives the man the closest shave he has ever had. When the shave was almost done, the man asked the barber, “What if I swallow this thing?” The barber smiled and said, “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

A: A frosted flake

A blonde wanted to sell her car, so she called up her friend to see if she could have any help. The friend asked how many miles were on the car and the blonde said, “About 249,000 miles.” So the friend called up a mechanic who could put the mileage back to any number that was desired. So the blonde told him she wanted him to roll back the mileage to 40,000.

The next week the blonde’s friend called and asked if she had sold the car yet.

The blonde said,” Why would I want to sell my car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!”

If corn oil is made from corn, and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?

Q: George Bush is on a sinking boat . Who gets saved?

A: The nation

Q: What’s the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and George W. Bush?

A: Lincoln couldn’t tell a tie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth, and Bush doesn’t know the difference.

1. Why shouldn’t you take a pokemon into the bathroom?

He might Pikachu.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

Did you hear about the cow that drank a whole bottle of ink and Mood Indigo?

What’s the range of a piccolo?
40 yards on a good day.

If a bagpipe and a piccolo were dropped out of a 20 story window, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares.

If a piano player is called a pianist, then why isn’t a race car driver called a racist?

So this blonde decides to try to go horseback riding even though she has no idea how to do it. One day, the blonde finds a horse and decides to try it out. She tries to mount the horse several times, but she fails each time. Finally, she successfully mounts the horse when it suddenly starts galloping at a rhythmic speed. Scared, the blonde starts to slowly slip off of the horse. At first, she tried grabbing the mane, but her hand slips and she heads closer to the ground. Then she reaches for the horse’s neck, but she kept slipping. Finally, the blonde decided that jumping off of the horse was the only way to get off. So she leaps but her foot gets caught in the stirrup and she is flung to the ground. By now, the blonde’s head was repeatedly slammed into the ground and she was at the mercy of the horse’s giant hooves. She was just about to lose consciousness when the most lucky thing happened to her:
Dave, an employee at Walmart, sees the situation and unplugs the horse.