A lady called a neighbor to extend birthday greetings in a song. After she sang “Happy Birthday,” she realized that she had dialed the wrong number.
“No need to excuse yourself,” said the voice on the other line. “You need all the practice you can get.”
The mouse was taking her offspring out in search of food when they were confronted by a cat. Immediately, the mouse began barking like a dog. Frightened, the cat ran away.
Turning back to her children, the mouse mother announced, “That shows you the importance of learning a second language!”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Two muffins were sitting in the oven
One turns to the other and says, “Wow it’s hot in here!”
The other muffins says, “Woah! A talking muffin!!!”
A man walks into the barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions about having a problem with close shaving around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber. The barber reaches into his drawer and pulls out a small wooden ball. “Just place this thing between your cheeks and your gums.” Then the barber gives the man the closest shave he has ever had. When the shave was almost done, the man asked the barber, “What if I swallow this thing?” The barber smiled and said, “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
A: A frosted flake
A blonde wanted to sell her car, so she called up her friend to see if she could have any help. The friend asked how many miles were on the car and the blonde said, “About 249,000 miles.” So the friend called up a mechanic who could put the mileage back to any number that was desired. So the blonde told him she wanted him to roll back the mileage to 40,000.
The next week the blonde’s friend called and asked if she had sold the car yet.
The blonde said,” Why would I want to sell my car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!”
If corn oil is made from corn, and olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of?
Q: George Bush is on a sinking boat . Who gets saved?
A: The nation
Q: What’s the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and George W. Bush?
A: Lincoln couldn’t tell a tie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth, and Bush doesn’t know the difference.