November 14th, 2011
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because the students were so bright.
Why was the math book sad?
It had too many problems.
What’s the capital of Arkansas?
What do math teachers eat?
Did you hear about the delivery van loaded with thesauruses that crashed into a taxi?
Witnesses were astounded, shocked, taken aback, surprised, startled, dumbfounded, thunderstruck, caught unawares…
Why did the teacher put rubber bands on her students’ heads?
So they could make snap decisions.
Why did the 25-watt bulb flunk out of school?
He wasn’t very bright.
October 31st, 2011
What do you get when you mate a cat with a ball of wool?
What do you get when you put a cat in a Xerox machine?
What do you get when you put a kitten in the refrigerator?
The coolest cat in town.
What’s a cat’s favorite color?
What do you get when you cross a cat and an oven?
A self cleaning oven.
What do cats drink on a summer afternoon?
Why did the cat family move next door to the mouse family?
So they could have the neighbors for dinner.
October 22nd, 2011
Three blonds were walking around when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, “These are deer tracks.”
The second blonde said, “No, these are obviously elk tracks.”
The third blonde chimed in and argued, “You’re both wrong! These are tracks of a moose!”
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
September 29th, 2011
I’d tell another chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.
July 7th, 2011
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”
July 6th, 2011
Mechanic: “Sorry sir, but I couldn’t fix your brakes. So I made your horn louder.”
June 28th, 2011
Isaac Newton discovered gravity when an apple fell on his head.
The question is: Was it a laptop or desktop model?
Q: Why was the computer geek disappointed by the zoo?
A: He couldn’t find any RAM
Q: Why was Susan’s dad kicking the computer?
A: Because he was trying to boot it up.
Q: How do you know when your computer has the Disney virus?
A: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Q: Why were there jumper cables connected to Alan’s computer?
A: He was told by his son to restart it.
Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with Microsoft Word?
A: A word count.
Q: What do you call a computer that only types in uppercase?
June 22nd, 2011
Q: What did the mother say to her naughty children?
A: If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!
Q: How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
A: One, but you’d have to really squeeze him in!
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy answered, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
Q: What does a Pilgrim call his best friend?
A: His Palgrim
Q: Why don’t you take a turkey to church?
A: Because they use fowl language.
Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him.
Q: Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes. A building can’t jump.
Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey. He’s already stuffed!
Q: Why did the Pilgrim not like making bread?
A: It was a crummy job?
Q: Why did they have to let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks.
June 16th, 2011
Two men applied for the same position. They had the same qualifications. In order to determine which to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test. Both men missed only one of the questions. The manager said to the first applicant, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”
“But why? We both answered 9 out of the 10 questions correctly,” said the rejected applicant.
“We based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the manager. “Your fellow applicant put down for #5, ‘I don’t know the answer.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.’
June 12th, 2011
Q: Why did the atom cross the road?
A: Because it was time to split!
Q: What do you call a robot that always takes the longest route?
A: R2 Detour.
Q: How did the scientist invent bug spray?
A: Well, she started from scratch…
Q: What did the astronaut think of the takeoff?
A: She though it was a blast!
Q: How do you get an astronaut’s baby to fall asleep?
Q: How did the astronaut feel when he ran into the alien with six lasers for arms?
Q: Why is football so popular on Venus?
A: Because all the houses have Astroturf on their front lawns.