A lady called a neighbor to extend birthday greetings in a song. After she sang “Happy Birthday,” she realized that she had dialed the wrong number.
“No need to excuse yourself,” said the voice on the other line. “You need all the practice you can get.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is up there in the shade of a tree?” “I don’t know,” replied the other, “I’ll go ask him.”
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standig in the shade?” “Intelligence,” the boss said. “What’s intelligence?” asked the digger.
The boss said, “I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.” The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’ hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, “That’s intelligence!”
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What’d he say?” “He said we are down here because of intelligence.” “What’s intelligence?” his friend asked. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.”
Did you hear that the world’s tallest man got fired from the circus?
Yeah, he was concerned about his cholesterol, so he switched from butter to Crisco. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize it was shortening.
There was this proud and cocky team of guys that made parachutes at Bitburg Air Base in Germany. They were so cocky that they posted a sign outside their shop: Depend on Us to Let You Down.
The new employee stood before the paper shredder lookjing confused.
“Need some help?” asked the secretary.
“Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?”
“Oh it’s simple,” said the secretary as she grabbed the report out of his hand and shoved it into the shredder.
Still looking confused, the man said, “Thanks, but where do the copies come out?
The neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked, “Sir, would you like to buy a toothbrush for ten dollars?”
Agast, the man said, “I should say not. That’s robbery!”
The salesman seemed hurt. “Well, then, how about a homemade brownie for five cents?”
This seemed fair, and the man handed a nickel to the salesman. Unwrapping the brownie, he took a bite; suddenly, the man spit out the mouthful.
“Say,” he snarled, “this brownie tastes horrible!”
“It is,” replied the salesman. “Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
“Waiter!” shouted the furious diner, “how dare you serve me this! There’s a twig in my soup!”
“My apologies, “said the waiter. “I’ll inform the branch manager.”
“Jimmy, you’re a pig!” yelled the annoyed father. “You do know what a pig is don’t you?”
”Yes sir,” replied the lad. “It’s a hog’s son.”
These two morons wondered into the zoo one night, and as chance would have it, they found themselves walking past the lion’s cage. Making a great deal of noise as they stumbled past, they woke the king of the beasts and he let out a mighty roar.
“Lordy! Let’s get out of here!” said one moron.
“Nuts to that,” said the other. “I’m stayin’ to see the movie!”