My Stupid Jokes

Part 1

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Tell her to go into a round room and pee in a corner.

Part 2

Q: How does a blonde confuse you?

A: She tells you she did.

Q: What falls faster, a rock or a blonde?

A: A rock because a blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted

Tired of hearing how he was the greatest shot in the state, Frank bet Oscar that if they went in the woods, he could find an animal he couldn’t hit. Oscar’s ego was such that he accepted the bet willingly, and the next morning the two men went tramping through the woods.

Suddenly Frank spotted a squirrel at the top of a distant tree. The towering oak had to be a thousand yards away… beyond the range of his companion’s shotgun. “There,” he said, “Hit that squirrel.”

Taking aim, Oscar fired; an instant later the squirrel scurried down the tree.

Frank beamed, “Well ole pal, looks like you lose.”

“Lose?” Oscar declared. “You just witnessed a miracle.”

“What miracle is that?”

“A squirrel running with it’s heart shot out.”

Did you hear about the hockey team that drowned during spring training?

Bush, and two rich guys were flying in a plane with over a million dollars inside.

Bush opened the door of the plane and threw 100 one dollar bills out of the plane.

“I just made 100 people happy!” Bush said.

The first rich guy throws a million one dollar bills out of the plane and says, “I just make a million people happy!”

The second rich guy grabbed Bush and threw him out of the plane.

“I just made the world happy!” said the second guy.

The Briton, the Canadian, and the hillbilly were all washed ashore on an uncharted island. The only food and drink came from coconuts, and after several days they began to despair.

One morning , however, a lantern washed ashore, and the Briton picked it up.More despairing than hopeful, he rubbed it; Out came a genie, who promised to give each of the men one wish.

His eyes wide with thanksgiving, the Briton said, “I wish I was back at my cottage at Ipswich!”

The genie snapped his fingers, and the Briton was gone.

The Canadian said, “I wish I was back at my home in Gananoque!”

The genie snapped his fingers and the Canadian was gone.

Looking around the hillbilly began to weep.

“I–I’m so lonely,” he wailed, “I wish the other two guys were back.” 

Jack loved watching the races on TV at the bar, but he wasn’t the brightest guy on earth; betting with one patron, he lost twenty dollars on a race and then lost another sawbuck on the instant replay.

Then there was this one shopper who stopped buying Kool Aid because she could’t figure out how to get two quarts of water into the envelope.

Mr. Youngman was brought to the lounge of the nursing home to await his son. Since he was especially frail, the nurse was never far from his side.

As it happened, at least once every minute the ninty-year-old would tilt slightly to one side; as soon as he did so, the nurse hurried over and straightened him right up.

Finally Mr. Youngman’s son arrived.

“Well pop,” he said, “how’re they treating you here?”

He replied, “The food’s fine and the accomodations are even better- but there is one thing.

“What’s that?”

Cocking his eyes over his shoulder, he said, “It’s that nurse over there. She won’t let me fart!”